You Might Be A Geek If....

1. If you struggle to find it in yourself to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, even if they are clearly a geek as well. ESPECIALLY if they are! 2. If your glasses are thicker than the windshield of your Toyota Prius. 3. If someone offers you a blowjob and you think they are offering you a job at a carnival as a pop-balloons stand operator. 4. If you have never been offered a blowjob. 5. If you know how to hum the theme song of Nintendo's Zelda, without missing a note. 6. If you have spent as many hours playing World of Warcraft as Penn State University has spent planning cover ups for Jerry Sandusky. 7. If you can't recite even one rule of any of the four major sports: Hockey, baseball, football, or basketball. 8. If you CAN recite any of the Rules of Acquisition. 9. If you own large amounts of dice that have too many sides to use when playing Yahtzee. 10. Finally, you might be a geek, if you rob Jeff Foxworthy of ANYTHING he has ever said or done.

My Very Own Kobayashi Maru

Stuck in a corner with no move to make. About to be burned by an elemental drake. My daggers are stuck and will not dislodge. So I boost my dexterity trying to dodge. A 20-sided die decides my sad fate. I really need some luck, or a heal from my mate. No luck is forthcoming, the deal is done. I will never again see the light of the sun. It takes a deep breath, releases fire. My body burns with my shield as a small pyre. It was a no win scenario there. I don't know why I expected it to be fair. We thought it would be smart to group as eight. With no party leader assigned to delegate. The raid required ten, but we were sure; That we could fight through, that we would endure. That we could beat him, weak Prince Malchezaar. Especially with me, the Paladin rockstar. So into the doors we went, full of hope. But after the first battle, it was hard to cope. We should have brought ten like everyone said. It was our foolish egos that had us misled. Another no win scenario there. I don't know why we expected it would be fair. I tried dating a "cool" girl once before. I could not wear my best Star Trek shirt anymore. She knew all of the best fashion out there. I could not even go to the Rennasaince Faire. Watching Battlestar, not debatable. Her desire for gifts, always insatiable. I was a fool to think it would work out. We always fought, I was never happy throughout. So we ended it with no objections. She never returned my comic book collection. A final no win scenario there. I don't know why she thought I would think she was fair. To think what Kirk did, I can understand. What drove him to cheat, I can say I know firsthand. If only I had it in me also. I could become sort of a "life-virtuoso". No more being told I can not cut it. No more Kharazan runs ending having to quit. I would quench the fire of that dick drake. I would smash Prince Malchezaar and make no mistake. I would tell that snobby, stuck-up, skank bitch; To go fuck herself and fucking die in a ditch. As for that no win scenario there. Just like Kirk with the Maru, I just do not care!

One Zocchihedron, Please!

Ohhhhhhh Dungeons and Dragons, how you slay me. I can still remember the first time I dungeon mastered. I thought every single room in my dungeon should contain some kind of riddle which, when solved, would allow all to pass into the next room. I thought I was so clever with my "pull the right lever or else" riddles, and my "combine numbers that were etched on walls of other rooms to solve a math equation to unlock a door" riddles. Boy, was that dungeon fun! For me at least, everyone else, not so much. And approximately eight hours later, the party of five (not the wonderful 90's drama) was finished my dungeon. I was not dungeon master very often, in fact, I think I was only dungeon master about three times in the many, many years I played D & D. I much preferred, as did my friends, for me to play as a character instead of the DM. Once, I was Faesten the rogue, a sly elf who refused to reveal any of his personal details to any of his party members. He was a paid killer and thief, working for the mayor of the town, without anyone's knowledge, and he was handsomely rewarded for his services. I was also Draeknar the priest, a wise and very old half human, half elf. His time was cut short by a surprise, and much too early introduced beholder. We were only level 2 goddammit! But the trusty paladin Diametes is who I most trusted my life to. I played as Diametes for many years, through many campaigns, and many resurrections. I was able to play Diametes all the way to level 17 and still have his player sheets. I love Diametes and will always use him for any high level campaigns I may get myself into. I would never trade his life for anything, not even one hundred zocchihedrons!

Die Four-Eyes, Die!

Glasses used to be used for medical reasons, not used as a "slick" style choice. People who wore glasses were sometimes ridiculed and made to feel less than those who weren't in need of glasses. Shit, even Pol Pot used to murder people specifically for wearing glasses! Now people with 20-20 vision go get glasses because they think they look hot in them. The fucking lenses not only are not prescription, they are nothing at all but a flat piece of non-magnifying plastic! When I was 7 years old I had the start of a life long issue with migraines begin. The doctor gave me an MRI to see if my brain was fine and it was, so he said I needed glasses. I was so terrified to wear them around my peers in school because of what I witnessed happen to the other glasses wearers, that I told my mom the glasses gave me migraines even worse than the migraines I had without glasses. I would rather suffer with extreme migraine pain then to wear glasses to school! For those of you who have had chronic migraines, you know this is serious business. I mean, the smell of a moth's fart could turn a slight migraine into a massive one in seconds, serious! And for a 7 year old to rather deal with that then just put on glasses should show how embarrassing it was to wear them back when I was a kid. So with that in mind, for kids to actively seek wearing glasses because girls think they look "hot" in them now. I will give that #1 in my examples of how geek became chic.

I Wish I Were An Ex-Man

Ha! Got your attention, did I? Well that was the point! My title should actually read "I Wish I Were An X-Men", but I figured I could stir more curiosity and interest in my blog readers with the other choice. Hopefully now that you know of my deceit, you will not decide against reading on. So yes, I had days as a young boy where I put on my mother's high heels and pulled my shirt down so my shoulders were exposed through the neck hole of my shirt, and I would walk around acting like I was Erica from All My Children, or whatever soap opera she played in. And yes, you now know about my sexy lady lip biting tactics I exercised and also learned from the soap operas. But I swear, I want to be a MAN! I am, however, referring to my days as an avid X-Men watching child/teenager. Where I would watch every single episode of the Saturday morning Fox TV cartoon. I would collect every comic I could afford with my small allowance. I would collect cups and VHS tapes that were promotions at the nearby Pizza Hut. And I would role play with friends as Gambit as they played the other fellow X-Men. As all of these blogs are aimed at portraying me as a geek and awkward child/teen, and I have been receiving criticism from some readers that they feel I am not geeky at all from what they are reading; I figured I would bring up my comic book collecting addiction. I believe it was by the age of fourteen that I owned approximately 1300 comics (Mostly X-Men), and I read almost all of them at least once. I had two copies of the 1991 first X-Men comic because each had a different cover. I had every issue of the Gambit series spinoff comic. I had nearly half of the Wolverine spinoff series. And about 200 Uncanny X-Men. I, of course, still have these comics today. Recently I even took a trip with friends to Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash comic store in New Jersey and while my friends spent more money than I did, I was able to pick up some Star Trek issues I didn't have yet, a Battlestar Galactica graphic novel, a couple Batman issues written and autographed by Kevin Smith, and a Starship Enterprise model! Now who is not geeky?!?!?!